Abuse
Alternatives to Violence:
a Program for those
who Abuse |
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The Alternatives to Violence Program consists of intakes, individual assessments, educational groups for abusers and/or referrals to individual counseling when appropriate.
Purpose:
- To assist the participant in understanding that acts of violence have a specific purpose. The intent is to gain or maintain control over the victim's thought, actions, or feelings.
- To increase the participant's awareness of the belief system that justifies the abusive behaviors.
- To increase the participant's willingness to change abusive behaviors by examining the destructive effects of the behavior on relationships, children, friends and society.
- To increase the participant's understanding of abusive behaviors.
- To provide the participant with practical information on how to change abusive behavior by exploring non-controlling and non-violent ways of relating to partners.
Can abusive behavior go away without any help?
You can make the choice to stop hurting the people you love. Intervention and support is necessary to change beliefs and abusive behaviors.
Battering tends to escalate over time, leading many times to homicide or suicide. Forty percent of female homicide victims are killed by family members or boyfriends.
What is the Alternatives Program like?
The Program consists of two orientation sessions by the Family Violence Center to introduce the individual to the group process. After completion of orientation, the individual can select a program at Catholic Charities or the family Violence Center.
The program consists of 24 weekly, two-hour group sessions.
Some Myths about Domestic Violence...and the Facts |
Myth |
Fact |
Violence only happens in poor and uneducated families. |
Violence occurs in families from all social, economic, educational, racial, ethnic, and religious backgrounds. |
Alcohol and drugs cause battering. |
Chemical dependency and domestic violence are two separate problems. Chemical dependency is a disease. Domestic violence is chosen behavior. |
The abuser is just "Out of Control". |
The abuser is very much in control - choosing who, where and how he abuses, and when it is safest, with the fewest consequences. |
The problem is really spouse abuse - couples who assault each other. |
95% of serious assaults are against women. When women are violent towards their partners, it is almost always in self-defense or trying to protect their children. |
Women provoke beating by pushing men beyond their breaking point. They are asking to get hit. |
A person can provoke a feeling (anger) but what a person chooses to do with that anger is their responsibility. |
Battered women must enjoy the violence, otherwise they would leave abusive relationships. |
Battered women do not enjoy being beaten. Women make many efforts to stop the violence. The question should not be "Why doesn't she leave?", it should be "Why does he abuse?". |
Couples counseling is a good recommendation for people in abusive relationships. |
Abuse is a control issue, not a communication issue. Marital therapy is not only ineffective for the couple, it is unsafe for the victim. Only when the abuse has stopped for a period of time, and the abuser takes responsibility for his use of violence, can couples counseling be helpful. |
Family violence is a family problem. |
Family violence is a crime and is punishable by law. It is also a social problem, since our society pays a huge price:
- $4,393,700 total annual medical costs
- 28,700 emergency room visits
- 175,500 days lost from work
- 21,000 hospitalizations - 99,800 days of hospitalization
- 39,000 physician visits
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Children need a father even though he is violent |
Children need a father who is safe and emotionally responsive. Children raised in abusive environments are terrified by what they hear and see and hold their fear inside themselves. |
Impact of Recurring Domestic Violence |
Victim |
Abuser |
Children |
Emotional Trauma |
Continues violence even when consequences are negative |
Learns that violence is acceptable |
Loss of Positive self-image and self-respect |
Doesn't admit extent of violence and impact on others |
Learns to use violence to express frustration, anger and needs |
Fear of further violence |
Believes that abusive language and behavior is OK |
May blame themselves for problems |
Physical injury |
Belief in right to control the thoughts, actions and beliefs of another person |
May be injured while intervening |
Permanent impairment |
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May be emotionally neglected or traumatized |
May become suicidal or homicidal |
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May become suicidal or homicidal |
Death |
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May grow up to repeat the cycle |
Is your behavior abusive? Answer yes or no to the following questions:
- Was there violence in your family? During conflict do you often threaten someone, break things, punch walls, slam doors, ignore her, or leave?
- Do you have mood swings, where one moment you feel loving and affectionate, and the next moment angry and threatening?
- Have you ever physically harmed your partner, or any past partners?
- Do you find it difficult to talk to your partner about your feelings, your hopes, your fears?
- Do you tend to blame others for your behavior, especially your partner?
- Are you a very jealous person?
- Do you try to control how your partner thinks or dresses, who she sees, how she spends her time, how she spends her money?
- Do you try to discourage her from seeing her friends or family?
- Do you get angry or resentful when she is successful in a job or hobby?
- Do your conversations quickly escalate into threats of separation or divorce?
- Do you ever threaten to hurt her, yourself, or others if she talks about leaving you?
- Do you do or say things that are designed to make her feel "crazy" or "stupid"?
- Do you blame alcohol drugs, stress, or other life events for your behavior?
- Do you feel guilty after aggressive behavior and strive for your partner's forgiveness?
- Do you think that you could never live without her, yet, another time, want her out?
- Do you use sex, money or other favors as a way to "make up" after conflict?
- Is your partner afraid of you sometimes?
- Do you sulk silently when upset?
- Do you use sarcasm, often disguising it as humor?
- Do you have a "public front" that is different from your "private front"?
We look forward to serving you as you deal with this important issue. Please contact one of our branch offices.
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