Catholic Charities: Helping Kids Cope with Separation and Divorce

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Catholic Charities: Helping Kids Cope with Separation and Divorce

Helping Children Cope with Separation and Divorce

Normal Reactions of Children to

Separation and Divorce

(from pamphlet preparedby the American Mental Health Counselors Association Committee on Childhood and Adolescence)

These normal reactions of children generally appear during the period of separation and during the year or so of initial adaptation to the divorce. Some reactions may persist longer.


	Anger Anger at both parents, at self and siblings. Anger may be hidden or expressed through words or behaviors; increased sibling squabbles		Denial Pretending the divorce did not occur or acting as if unaffected by it; trying to reunite parents
			Guilt/Self Blame Wishful thinking and many "if only's"; asking questions over and over, seeking reassurance and relief; blaming self in overt and/or hidden ways; unconsciously seeking punishment
	Fear Worry about their own or other's safety and security; expression of fears about their own welfare and future caregiving; clinging , seeking contact and reassurance
			Health/Sleep Changes Minor health complaints; appetite changes, sleep changes, bad dreams, fear of sleeping alone
	Insecurity Clinging; refusing to go to school; increased possessiveness of people, pets and possessions; testing and seeking limits, especially when switching from one parent's home to the other's; seeking substitute figures
			Protection of Parents Acting like little adults; hiding their grief so they can comfort and nurture the parent
	Regression Returning to earlier level of functioning (seeking out security blanket, bedwetting); usually turns around quickly with reassurance and the absence of criticism and judgment
			Sadness Saddened constantly or at intervals; crying; tired or hyperactive, withdrawn


	Do remember that kids need to love BOTH parents encourage and clearly answer questions about the divorce be patient with the kids tell the truth about the divorce so far as your are able allow for expression of feelilngs by your children offer comfort warmth and support reassure the children that the divorce is an adult problem (that they did not cause the divorce) reassure the kids that you will always be their parent take cae of yourself and your own well-being preserve the normal household routines and keep changes to a minimum try to build similar rules and routines in both homes use family, suport groups and professionals for help learn about the normal responses of children to divorce set up a place for children's belongings during visitation make significant adults (teachers, counselors, doctors, babysitters) in children's lives aware of the divorce		Don't send messages to your ex through the kids ask children to keep secrets from your ex-spouse use the kids as pawns in power struggles with your ex-spouse belittle and criticize the other parent in front of the kids tell the children what to think or feel ask the children to take sides or pump them for information about your ex-spouse use the children as confidants or substitutes for yourspouse and friends compare your feelings to those that your children have block your children's wish to talk and ask questions about the divorce and the changes it brings put the children in the middle of any conflicts with your ex-spouse

Warning Signs

These signs in children may indicate a need for increased parental support or professional intervention, especially if they appear after the divorce process is settled and the new routines are underway:

an exaggeration in the normal resonses

verbalizing despair

giving away possessions

withdrawing to the point of isolation

significant weight loss or gain

extended change in sleeping and/or eating habits

frequent nightmares

preoccupation with illness of self and others

school troubles

lying

destroying own or other's property

deliberately hurting or wounding themselves

significant change in personality over time

refusing to stay with formerly trusted adults

explosive behavior

stealing

running away from home

health complaints and health changes

becoming unusually rigid about everyday patterns

intense unrealistic fears

We look forward to assisting your family with this important topic.

Please contact us at one of our branch offices.

1825 Riverside Drive | P.O. Box 23825 | Green Bay, WI 54305-3825
Phone: 920-437-7531 | Fax: 920-437-0694 | E-Mail: diocmail@gbdioc.org

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